


Mad over you and me

by nannyslf



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smutty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2017-12-24 08:39:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/937912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nannyslf/pseuds/nannyslf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn announces his engagement to Perrie and Harry does not react well, after all weren't them dating?! What was Zayn thinking?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the grammar mistakes and the typos, but I JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT OF MY CHEST! I'll be expanding this chapter soon!

**1.**

 Harry Styles has never been actually mad. Until now, that is. Of course there were times in his life when he got upset over things, like when he was fifteen years old, saving the last piece of his birthday cake (the one made of chocolate, butter cream, sweet sprinkles and nutella. Fucking nutella.) and Gemma ate it. It was the fucking last piece and he had been saving it for a whole a week. Gemma didn’t even like nutella; she just did it to annoy him. Harry knew that it was petty, but he stayed two weeks without talking to her. Over a piece of cake. Oh well… Sometimes, when he thinks about it, it still upsets him; he really did love that cake.

  The other time he got really upset was when Bryan, his boyfriend over three months cheated him with a girl. A fucking girl. Bryan who made Harry watch Funny Face, Gentleman Prefer Blondes and West Side Story like a hundred times, who loved Lady Gaga to death and actually liked to wear lipsticks sometimes — “Doesn’t it taste good when you kiss me, Haz?” — cheated him with a girl. Harry was very pissed about it. Broke the glass on Bryan’s car and all. But that’s just life, right?

   There was also that one time when Louis hanged all of Harry’s clothes around in their hotel back in L.A just to mess with him. Harry had to go through ten different rooms, knocking on doors of guests he did NOT know to get them back. He couldn’t even figure out how Louis could actually do it. I mean, how did he get into those rooms? But it didn’t matter because payback was awesome. Harry filled Louis’s bed with whipped cream and when the blue eyed lad lied on it, getting all dirty, Harry’s laugh was the loudest. Good times.

   And of course the time when he found out that he was in love with a hazel eyed, tan honey skinned, brooding guy called Zayn Malik. His stupid band mate. Harry was bloody mental over it because it was ridiculous. They way Zayn’s deep eyes seemed to pierce right trough him and into Harry’s most secretive feelings. How Zayn always seemed to find his way into Harry’s bed, his life and ultimately his heart. He hated how always (all the freaking time), he would find himself orbiting around Zayn or how whenever he was sad, he felt instantly better by the soft smile and touch of his best friend. It was all so fucking pathetic. So, naturally, he began to avoid the lad until the day Zayn confronted him and somehow they ended up kissing hard with teeth and tongues colliding.  From there on, it was a non-stop kind of thing. They would be kissing in corners and making love quietly at midnight in dark hotel rooms and having cute-y dates until they were basically in a relationship which brought up the one time Harry was most upset in his life:

   WHEN ZAYN ANNOUNCED HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH PERRIE TO THE WORLD.

“What the fuck is this about?” he yelled at Zayn, throwing the newspaper in his boyfriend’s face because Zayn didn’t even had the nerve to tell him face to face about it. He had to learn from a fucking gossipy, cheap paper. AND THEY WERE BANDMATES, TOGETHER PRATICALLY 24/7.

  Zayn’s face was red and he looked so miserable Harry wanted to just let go, but he fucking couldn’t.

“You know management has been up in my ass about finding a girl and they thought Perrie was a good choice… I’m sorry baby, I love you, and you know that. Nothing is gonna change. I’m yours and you’re mine.” He said desperately, while reaching for Harry.

Harry took a step back.

“You’re not mine. YOU ARE FUCKING PERRIE EDWARD’S BOYFRIEND. DOES SHE EVEN KNOW ABOUT US?”

Zayn remained in silence and it was the worst answer Harry could have ever gotten.

“You didn’t even tell her.” He whispered while hot, unexpected tears started to run down his face.

“What we have is ours. I don’t want to share it with anybody else Harry. People are vicious, cruel and sad. Pathetic even. They will try to change it, corrupt it and our love is above them all. I don’t want them to ruin it. Don’t you understand?”

  And part of Harry did understand. But, the other part, the one that’s got him crying and aching just replied:

“You are ruining it.”

   Those words stung in Zayn. They made him want to crawl under his bed and never to face the world again. Because he and Harry were **it** for him and if Harry felt that way… Then what’s the purpose of anything?

“Harry, I love you. I’ve been in love with you ever since you entered the room with that ridiculous black shirt with white hearts or whatever on it. It has been three years and I loved you through hurt, anger and denial. I’ll love you into the apocalypse and whatever else the world throws at me. I’ll even love you through your sadness and rage. Can you even begin to understand what that means? There are no walls that you’ll put up that I won’t break down, no army that you put between us that I won’t defeat. Nothing can stop, change or kill my love for you. Not Perrie, management or even the fans. It’s me and you. I know it. I’ve always known it from the way you smile at me while you’re singing, from those green eyes that never ceases to amaze me. It’s just how it is. We can survive anything, ok, baby? Even this fake relationship with Perrie. Believe me.”

  And Harry believed him until now. The one moment when he was **actually mad** because Zayn Malik, his boyfriend for TWO YEARS WAS GETTING MARRIED WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

  They were about to release This Is Us and Harry couldn’t even find the will to get up from his hotel bed. The premiere was tomorrow and everyone was so excited, well, as excited as they could be considering the news of Zayn’s engagement. He couldn’t understand why this was happening to him. The Take Me Home tour was going so great and his relationship with Zayn was perfect, so why was he marrying someone else? He was fucking nineteen, for fuck’s sake!

  The boys have been taking turns on helping him cope with it. Watching Harry and cheering him up, giving pep talks or trash talking the whole thing (that was Louis, obviously). He was the one who completely took Harry’s side. Not that Liam wasn’t mad either, because he was. But Louis almost hit Zayn on the face.

“How could you do this to Harry?” He yelled while walking towards Zayn with his fists closed, ready to punch him.

“Stop this!” Liam and Harry screamed at the same time because they couldn’t have this happening right now.

“Louis, it’s okay. Let’s just go.” Liam said softly while holding him back.

“I’ve got Harry.” Niall adds while taking the Cheshire lad from the hand and pulling him out of the room.

  Zayn was left alone, wounded and lonely. Hating himself and the world.

+

“Hey.” Liam said while entering Harry’s room in the morning of the premiere.

“Hi, Li.” And he looked at him, waiting for Liam to announce what he wanted. Maybe he would ask Harry when he first found out about the engagement.

  Zayn told Harry that he proposed to Perrie two days ago. At first Harry thought it was a joke, but then Zayn was deadly serious and he felt fear crept up inside of him. The kind of fear that made you wander about if you would make alive out of what was happening or not. The one that makes you burn and burn until your eyes are desperately seeking salvation across the room. Harry didn’t find salvation. Zayn said that it was for the best, that he and Harry were done and that he was sorry.

_That was when Harry knew that no, he was not going to make out alive._

_“_ I know I shouldn’t be asking, but what happened Haz? You two were just so good together… ” His cheeks flushed while he talked and Harry thought it was a sweet how Liam is so ultimately embarrassed by it. If it were Louis, he would be straight asking about Harry’s business with no shame whatsoever, like he did many times before.

“Honestly, I don’t know. He just dropped this on me with no explanations. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind, Liam. I have no clue. We were on a date last friday, he told me he loved me! I… I… He’s fucking with my feelings. He’s a liar and a cheater and an asshole… and I love him. I love him so much that my heart stopped beating. I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything Liam. It just hurts, on my whole body. The incessant pain assaulting me in my sleep, in my dreams, all the fucking time.”

  He was crying again. For the hundredth time in the last 48 hours or so. And it was getting tiresome. Every time he thought there were no more tears, other ones started to drop with no warning proving him wrong.

   Liam held him tight for a few minutes until he was done crying. Harry sighed and backed away from his friend, wiping his eyes dry with his fists.

“We have to go now?” he asked with a husky voice, feeling exhausted.

“No, I can buy you a feel more minutes so you get ready, okay?”

  Harry nodded and gave Liam a quick hug before his friend left, thanking him in a whisper and Liam replied like he always did: _that’s what friends are for._

+

   Zayn stole quick glances at Harry during the whole day, but after a while Harry just stopped looking back because it hurt too much. They all acted like there was no tension whatsoever between them, but if you look real close, you could see Harry’s melancholic eyes, Louis’s enraged gaze, Niall’s concerned look and Liam’s seriousness. Zayn, though, looked somewhere between fake happy and angst. It was weird, but the press didn’t seem to notice while asking them all kinds of questions in the press conference before the premiere.

  Harry felt sick during the whole day. But, when he found that not only Perrie but her whole family would be attending the red carpet, and then madness finally found his way into his brain. So, he was moping around while Zayn was inviting his soon –to-be Brady Bunch? Oh no.

  It was 5h15 and they were supposed to get ready for the premiere. Harry searched madly for a specific outfit in his closet until he finally found what he wanted: the black shirt with white hearts on it. That should get Zayn on his toes.

  He dressed slowly, making sure that he looked perfect. Everything should be right on place, because to hell that Harry would appear disveleshed while Zayn didn’t have a single hair out of order in that damned perfect head of his.

  Harry was the last to get on the hotel lobby, but there were Louis and Eleanor (who screamed with the sight of him and pulled Harry into a tight hug), Liam and his new girl, Niall alone as usual and Zayn who stared intensely at Harry regardless for the blond girl on his arm. Harry let an evil smirk show in his face, until he saw a huge diamond sparkling on her ring finger. Nothing could ever prepare him for the pain that hit him on the guts. He tried to act like it was nothing, still holding the smile on, but Liam must’ve saw it his eyes, because he was now reaching for Harry’s arms, pulling him close. Harry let himself go; there was nothing to hold onto anymore.

  What all of this was teaching him was that the world would not stop over his heart break. People were still smiling and the fans kept screaming loudly at the sight of them and even though the boys were supportive of his pain, they were still goofily smiling. That was how life worked. You can be frozen in pain, fear or sadness but life was going to still move fast with or without you and so were people. And you could whether quit or stand strong through it all. Harry chose the last. That was why he laughed during the interviews, threw his arm over Zayn’s shoulder for pictures and even messed with him playfully like his heart wasn’t throbbing.

  It wasn’t fair, but he could take it. What he could not take was Perrie showing that stupid big rock at everyone’s face and Zayn acting like it was all good. Or worse, that time when Harry was talking to a reporter and Zayn just popped by his side, meddling in Harry’s answer and _looking at him like that. Like he was still head over hills in love with him. Poking Harry’s dimples and smiling like they were together._

All the while Perrie was walking through the red carpets with HIS ring on her finger. Harry wanted to punch Zayn in the face for acting like that.

  The interview after the premiere was the worst thing in the history of the universe. The journalist was a pretty woman who wanted to start with Harry asking something about the movie and then she talked to Liam, Louis, Niall and finally Zayn. It was a trap, obviously, the way she started by asking about Little Mix and only then the topic that was on everyone’s mind: are you really engaged? How does it feel? 

  Zayn answered with something like “good” or “pretty good”. Harry didn’t actually want to hear it. Liam was all stiff by his side and Niall smiled clueless because he figured it was safest to play dumb.

  But Louis played it differently; he spoke his mind with bitterness hidden behind his words: _“this is so funny”._ And then burst into laughter which all the boys went along with. Harry laughed so hard for a second that he thought he might cry (which was actually what he wanted to do on the first place).

  But that wasn’t the bad part. The bad part was the interviewer handing Zayn flowers to congratulate him on his FUCKING engagement. And Harry had to smile like everybody else. The rest of it was kind of a blur.

  He remembered something about playing a game with Niall and acting all cheery like nothing bothered him. Also avoiding Zayn’s wounded gaze and Louis’s piercing one. Then, when they _finally, finally_ got back to the hotel he drank himself senseless. The only real nice part of his day.

+

  The morning after was hell, obviously. They had appointments all day and Harry had to drink insane amounts of water and take three Advils to go through with it. Liam and Louis were by his side the entire time, like he was a cripple or something and maybe he was because it felt like a huge piece of him was gone. But Harry didn’t have the will to look for it. There was only an amount of energy in his body and he spent it in smiling and smiling until his face hurt, like the fact that the love of his life was getting married meant nothing to him.  

   Gemma called him at sometime on the afternoon, all concerned because she knew about them and the news of Zayn’s engagement startled her completely at the premiere. All she wanted to know was if her little brother was fine, but what Harry said instead of answering her was:

“Remember that time you ate my cake? I fucking hated that Gemma.”

   She didn’t know what to say, was Harry crazy?

“Haz, that happened years ago. Why are you talking about it now?”

“Because it upset me and I don’t think I made clear enough just how much…!”

    Then Gemma sighed because she knew Harry enough to understand Zayn was not going to be mentioned at all in the conversation.

“Harry, I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you, okay? You can talk to me whenever you want.”

“I want to talk to you right now, about my cake. You shouldn’t have done it. I loved that cake; you could not have taken it away from me!”

   And it occurred to her that maybe it wasn’t about the cake that they were talking about. Maybe it was much more.

“I’m sorry, Haz. I knew it was your cake. But, maybe you could find another cake?” Gemma suggested hopefully. Even if it was too soon, she just wanted to help.

 _“That’s the problem, I love that cake.”_ And then he was softly sobbing into the phone while his sister whispered reassuring words to him. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Zayn confront each other and things get a little bit out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE MISTAKES, THE ARE ALL MINE.  
> I WASN'T SURE IF I WAS GOING TO CONTINUE THIS, BUT THEN MIDNIGHT MEMORIES LEAKED AND IT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOO AMAZING AND HAPPILY MAKES SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO, SO VERY HAPPY. I LOVE HARRY STYLES TO DEATH. THAT'S IT, BYE! LEAVE KUDDOS IF YOU LIKE IT! ;;)

+

  At night, Harry hid in his hotel room, buried himself under blankets and played Moonrise Kingdom on the TV because it was currently his favorite film and made him forget about everything, even if just for a little while.

  Somebody knocked on the door, but he didn’t feel like getting up to receive Liam and his worried way or Louis and his bitchy ones. He was too tired to handle this shit.

“Harry, it’s me.”

  And he did not expect that. He did not expect Zayn Malik at his door. It only took him a minute to decide and finally say:

“It’s open. Come in.”

   Zayn appeared in front of him completely worn out. Huge bags under his usually fierce but now infinitely sad brown eyes that were slightly red, his hair was messy and the usual tidy Zayn Malik just looked _so lost._

He didn’t find in himself the nerve to stare Harry directly in the eyes when it was just them in the room, so he turned to the TV instead, smiling a little when he saw the scene where Suzy and Shakusky danced in their underwear.

“Moonrise Kingdom. Is it the hundredth time now?”

  Harry had to bite on his cheek not to smile back at him.

“What do you want, Zayn?” Is what he said. Then there’s this moment when the static in the air is buzzing and they finally look at each other’s eyes and everything broke down.

“I wanted to see if you were okay.” Zayn mumbled ashamed, because what was he really thinking that would happen when he got in front of Harry?

“I thought that it was mandatory the notion that you don’t care about how I feel since you decided to marry someone else.” Harry snapped, rage back on full motion inside of him.

“It’s not like that, Haz.”

“Don’t call me Haz! You don’t get to call me like that anymore. You actually don’t get to talk to me at all, but for the sake of fairness I’ll ask you: what’s it like then?”

   And Zayn knew he hurt Harry, but he didn’t know what it would feel like to see the wounded Harry going after him. It hurt like fuck.

“I don’t know, Harry. I love you, okay? And this with Perrie… I’m only doing what’s best for us. We can’t have any future, can’t you see that?”

  If Zayn wanted to wound him, Harry would rather have him slapping on his face. It would hurt way less.

“I don’t want to hear your lies and please don’t refer to _you and me as us. There is no us, probably never was.”_ The way he stated was definitive, cold even. Like he accepted the reality of it all and Zayn was not ready to see Harry giving up the fight so soon.

“Don’t you dare to doubt my love for you, Harry. I’ve been by your side through everything and don’t you think that this is killing me too? It takes everything in me not to tell the whole world to fuck off and finally be with only you.”

“THEN WHY DON’T YOU DO IT? WHY YOU JUST KEEP SAYING SWEET NOTHINGS?”

   That was a question that Zayn couldn’t answer, so he turned around, back facing Harry as he considered if it was best to just leave.

“Don’t you walk away from me, Zayn Malik.” Harry ordered as he got up from his bed walked towards him.

“Harry, this is pointless. It’s best if I leave.”

  That was when Harry pulled Zayn roughly by the arm and pushed him against the wall. Their faces inches away as Harry finally let out a breath and said:

“You don’t get to come into my room and say you’re sorry after everything you did. You also don’t get to look at me the way you did last night at the premiere, you just don’t. I’m not your toy, Zayn. I’m a person. I was your friend for years. I was in love with you. Helplessly, madly, deeply! And you just fucked everything up. You broke my heart and you didn’t even care.” Then his voice started to break, and he didn’t realize he was crying until Zayn fearfully reached for one of the teardrops. “Don’t, don’t touch me.”

  He stepped away from Zayn, his body immediately feeling cold without the warmth that exhaled from the boy. 

“I care, Harry. I do.”

  But Harry’s far gone in his mind, an angry question forming in his brain.

“When did you get her that ring?”

    Zayn started to blush, his neck and cheeks burning hot and Harry closed his eyes because whenever he thought it couldn’t worst, it did. Pain was beating on him like a drum.

“It could have only been when we were together, right? I mean, since fours day ago you were still my boyfriend. So, when was it really Zayn?” Harry was being vicious then, wanting to see hurt himself and Zayn to see how far he could take it.

   Zayn sighed before saying:

“What’s the point of doing this Harry…? It won’t take us anywhere…” But Harry abruptly interrupted him:

“JUST FUCKING TELL ME.”

“When we were still together, happy now?”

“Did you just fucking ask me if was happy? You are such a fucking asshole, Zayn. I hate you. Did you hear me? I FUCKING HATE YOU!” He screamed with all of his strength hoping that maybe it will become true. Maybe he will actually hate Zayn just from saying it.

  He knew it wouldn’t happen. Even now, the mere sight of Zayn was enough to get his heart pumping fast and hard.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“STOP SAYING YOU ARE FUCKING SORRY. I’m tired of hearing it. I’m tired of you, get out! GET THE FUCK OUT.” Harry commands, but Zayn just stayed there, looking at the floor.

   Something snapped in the two of them, though, because without realizing they were face to face again and Harry was angrily pushing Zayn towards his bed and straddling the boy’s lap, kissing him hard on the mouth.

  Zayn’s hand cupped the sides of Harry’s face while deep moaning into his throat. The anger and need rising between them whilst their tongues battled for domain. 

  Harry was aggressive, his hands gripping at Zayn’s thighs as the older boys took off his shirt and soon his mouth was everywhere. Nipping at Zayn’s neck, collarbones until it finally found its way to his nipples. That’s when Zayn gasped for air because, _oh fuck_ , the feeling of Harry’s tongue circling and biting into each of his nipple was too much.

 Harry smiled with his lips swollen, satisfied knowing that Perrie would never have this kind of power over Zayn, and then he ground his hips down against him, loving to feel Zayn hard beneath him. Their eyes fluttered shut feeling the friction between their members.

“Jeans. Out. Right now.” Harry demanded while he took off his own pants.

  Zayn obliged out of breath, desperate to get back at what they were doing.

“So needy for me, huh?” Harry questioned, his lips grazing the older male’s earlobes when they wear both only in their underwear.

  Zayn nodded instantly, his hands trying to grab all different parts of Harry’s body at once like he was insanely trying to mesmerize him.

“Calm down, tiger. We have time, don’t we? Plus, I need to teach you a lesson. You have been a very bad boy, Zayn.”

   Harry lets his nails scratch the length of Zayn’s back, hoping to leave red marks tomorrow that neither Zayn nor Perrie will be able to ignore. Anger, vengeance and passion leading him all the way through. Harry wanted to remind Zayn that he could do anything, leave him and be with Perrie, fucking marrying the twat, but ultimately the one who would always own him was Harry and that was immutable.

  They made love a hundred times before, in different positions and rooms, in the pool, in the kitchen floor, even inside a small closet, but nothing ever felt quite like it did now. It was like their first time. Except it wasn’t. There was something ethereal about it, like they were reaching for something entirely different than ever before. Something raw, mad and addictive. Zayn’s breath coming shallow in his ear, his gasp eager for air becoming more desperate by the second and Harry’s thrill rising along. Orgasm came like a shower of redemption to both of them. 


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry travels to Buenos Aires during the break of 1D and he can't stop thinking about Zayn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it's been a while and I'm so so sorry. I just wasn't inspired, but I owe you a follow up, so here it is. COMMENT IF YOU LIKE PLEASE OR LEAVE KUDDOS, WHATEVER PLEASES YOU! Here is my tumblr: the-romantics.tumblr.com, if you EVER want to talk about ZARRY, I'm here. :)))))

“This was…” Zayn started, but he really couldn’t complete his phrase. There weren’t enough words to explain it.

    Harry lied by his side silent. He couldn’t talk right now about anything because he was numb, his mind expanded into a pure blank and he didn’t want to emerge from it. Not right now when he still had Zayn safe and sound by his side.

   Moonrise Kingdom was still playing quietly in the background and Harry wrapped himself around Zayn, staring at the TV without really paying attention. Those moments where the ones that he saved in the back of his mind for _later._ Later when he would be alone in his bed, awaken at three in the morning desperate and breathless while Zayn would be in someone else’s bed.

   If there was any justice in life, Harry would have been able to enjoy this moment without hot teardrops falling across his face silently.

   For a second, before he fell asleep with Zayn petting is hair, a quote from that book he read during tour crossed his mind:

_“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.”_

+

   _“Harry’s ruined.”_ that’s what everybody’s thinking and he can tell.

    At first Harry really didn’t care, so what if they think that? He was too busy trying not to die from a heartbreak to care, but then he got angry. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? What’s up with everybody treating him like a cripple because of stupid Zayn? What’s up with Niall always offering him half of whatever he’s eating when he never ever did that before? What’s up with Liam proposing they travel together on the break? Doesn’t he know the answer? IT’S FUCKING NO. But the worst was Louis… He tried so hard to act the same, but then often Harry caught him staring like he was a fucking terminal patient and it hurt so badly. Zayn was the only one who acted like Harry’s pain was invisible and at this point he was even kind of glad for it, because if Zayn pitied him, Harry was sure he would die.

    Of course the point where he agreed with them came. The point where Harry thought: _there’s no fixing this. I’m broken. I’m just little pieces from somebody else. Somebody I used to be. Pieces that don’t match anymore._

“Harry, let’s go to Rome! Or NY? I know how much you love it! And we can do all the cheesy stuff like going to the top of the Empire State and ice skating on the Rockefeller Center?! Whatever you want.”

    Liam was trying to convince him for over an hour. Harry was tired and annoyed and the void in his chest was in full motion now. He didn’t have the time to worry about being nice to Liam.

“Liam, I need some peace of mind. I don’t want to go with you, I told you before.”

“So what are you going to do?”

   They were on the lounge of Harry’s hotel room on the Château Mormont.  The movie premier of This Is Us happened yesterday and they only had to do two more weeks of promoting before going on a break for twenty days.

“I’m going to do something on my own.”

“Like what?” Liam inquired worried. The truth was with each passing day, Harry looked more and more ill and the whole band was really preoccupied, except Zayn. Zayn never said anything, and if he was introspect before, that was nothing compared to now.

“Like recording my solo album and ditching the band.” Harry replied coldly, rolling his eyes.

“What?” Niall screamed, appearing out of nowhere. Liam and Harry stared at him and burst into laughter.

“I’m just joking, Ni. Liam is giving me a hard time because of the break.”

   Niall and Liam exchanged a quick glance. The fact was that they all agreed it was a good thing to take Harry somewhere for the break, to help him forget and move on. Harry was quick to figure out what that look between them meant.

“Lads, you need to stop this. I’m not going to kill myself or damage the band in any way. I’m grown up and it’s just a broken heart. The more importance you give to it, the worse you make it for me. I know that you are only trying to help, but please please stop.”

      The boys sighed and Harry looked at them, his face calm and expectant.

“Okay, we just want you to be okay.” Liam explained, his hand reaching Harry’s to squeeze it lightly.

“I’ll be, Li. Don’t worry.”

“Okay guys, stop the melodrama and let’s go to order all the most delicious things on the room service, cause I’m starving.”

  They all laughed, because, really, when wasn’t Niall starved? And then phone calls were been made and Harry’s room turned into a mess.

+

_“Hearts can break. Yes. Hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did, but we don’t.” – Stephen King_

   Harry wrote on his journal. He was on a plane, at midnight, flying to Buenos Aires. Break finally came and he being eager to go away from all the things that haunted him decided that what better place to be alone then South America? At least was far away from Zayn and Perrie back in London, so he was very satisfied with his choice.

   It took him a lot of bravery to decide to break free from Zayn completely, like the other night when someone knocked at his door at three am (and he was awake, like always…) and Harry knew it was Zayn, just from the way he knocked quietly and paused, but he didn’t open. He couldn’t. Not even if his whole body was begging for it. Harry just lied there in silence and waited for the moment Zayn would leave, like he always did.

   One of the good things about trying to get over someone though was music. Harry was finding his greatest comfort in music, and the ironic thing was that it was Taylor Swift whom he listened all the time. More specifically the Red album. It was the strangest thing, because he was in his car listening to the radio and then I Knew You Were Trouble came on and even though it was about him, he found himself enjoying it and thinking about Zayn and getting mad at him, at both of them for ever being together and… It was good. Made him feel lighter for a few minutes and the next thing he knew was downloading the whole thing.

   His story with Taylor was that they dated after he broke up with Zayn for the hundredth time. It was back  when they fought all the time because Zayn had to spend time with Perrie for the press and it hurt Harry and it was an endless cycle of misery. So they ended things and Harry decided to be with somebody not only to move on, but to hurt Zayn in the worst way he could.

   Taylor was a good girl. She had a nice sense of humor, pretty eyes and a kind way about her that me him feel appreciated, he liked that. It was never like that with Zayn, at least not most of time because they were so fucking passionate about each other, on the verge of an explosion, Harry missed peace and quiet and he found that with Taylor. But, he missed Zayn every single day. And the worst thing in the world was missing someone when they were right there in front of you.

   Obviously it didn’t last. She liked him way more than he liked her, and that wasn’t even it. What did it to them was Zayn showing up angry at their trip on new year’s eve and Harry disappearing with him in the island leaving Taylor alone and upset without knowing what happened. Man, did she flip on him… She was mad, furious and he could understand but Harry couldn’t even make himself really care because he was so happy… Everything between him and Zayn was good again, even more, fantastic to be honest, so he let her crush him in all the ways she could. He didn’t feel it. Nobody in the universe could touch him when he was with Zayn.

   It was one of his favorite memories. That New Year’s Eve with Zayn. He showed up at Harry’s door and he was mad, yelling at him for being with Taylor and then screaming that he missed him, that they should be together and Harry instead of answering just jumped in him. Sex was never better. But then it was always like that, Zayn was Harry’s greatest fuck and he doesn’t think it will ever change, the chemistry between them was undeniable.

   Now it was all different. Now Taylor’s music was Harry’s soundtrack and Zayn a fading memory fighting to stay alive in his mind and Harry was a mess. Buenos Aires was a fresh start, a chance to be with himself and work on his problems. Harry was eager to begin again.

+

   It wasn’t easy, but Harry managed to be very low key about his trip. The only ones that knew where he was going were his mom, sister, Niall, Louis and Liam. He didn’t talk to Zayn about it. He didn’t talk to Zayn at all.

   He arrived at the city’s airport at 4 am, avoiding any paparazzi or press, since nobody knew about his upcoming. Harry decided to rent a little apartment in nice neighborhood, and once he gets there, he’s happy with his choice.

   The building was inspired in French architecture and it’s beautiful. Old, painted in cream with beautiful balconies. Harry falls in love. His apartment is small, homey, with a beautiful kitchen and walls painted blue. Feels a bit like he’s in a movie.

     The owner must like art a lot, because there was all these different murals, paintings and photos scattered on the wall. Harry likes to look at them, makes him feel like he’s getting to know someone. There was also a bookshelf in the living room, the books are all in Spanish, but he was always touching them, his fingers eager to feel the sensation of the book and its creases.

     The first few days everything is a discovery, Buenos Aires remembered him a lot of Europe. But it’s also so different. People are warm, hectic and so, so alive. It made him shiver with excitement just to watch them dance, walk and talk with that Latin fervor. There’s a lot to eat, do and see. He’s is never bored and everything makes him feel a little bit more hopeful.

   Zayn is there in the back of his mind all the time though. It’s hard not to think about him when he’s seeing the greatest sunset or going to the most amazing museums. His instantaneous reaction is: _Oh My God, if Zayn saw this it would blow his mind!_ or _I need to tell Zayn about this._

   But the problem is he can’t. Not anymore.

+

   Soon Harry developed a new routine. He woke up at 9 or 10 am, got breakfast a different coffee shop (he’s trying this new thing where everyday is a culinary adventure), then he went sightseeing and takes millions of pics, things like street art on the subway, scattered around the city, when it’s lunch time he randomly asked for recommendations of good restaurants around the city and at night he went to Tango and danced until he can’t form a single coherent thought, other times he went to bars or the theater.  

   All of this was great, but the best thing was privacy. There wasn’t a bunch of paparazzi everywhere and few people recognized him, but it was cool. They would ask for a picture, greet him, but on the whole was way easier then it would if he was on NY, LA or back in London.

   Harry was happy.

   But he wasn’t.

+

    The boys called him every once in a while to make sure he’s okay. So did his mom and Gemma. Nick talked to him on skype now and then and tries to cheer Harry up. But, things don’t work like that, do they? You can’t get over someone just by saying you will. If it was that simple then no one in the world would ever have a heartbreak.

    Even though he was having a lot of fun, it’s not the same if Zayn wasn’t there to share it with him. It’s like he’s happy, but he’ll never be as happy as he was with Zayn. And the worst part is he thinks the rest of his life will be like this, he’ll only have this faint taste of things, but never the true flavor.

     How can you be truly satisfied when you know how things could be?

     But Harry does his best.

     Since he was doing so many, he didn’t have the time to feel lonely. But then being so active took its toll on him and Harry decided to stay at home for a few days. He read, cooked, listened to music and then slept. Most nights he dreamt about Zayn.   

     In the dreams Zayn would be smiling, crying or laughing. Some of them are just memories and Harry was amazed that he could still remember all so perfectly, able to relive moments he knew to be unforgettable. Other times, it’s a completely brand new setting, He and Zayn sitting side by side in perfectly white sand staring at the wild blue ocean, talking about the silliest or most important things or at rooftop of skyscraper, staring at the city in silence.  They don’t always kiss or touch, but when they do, Harry wakes up in tears, because Zayn is not really there and for a while it felt so real, every single one of their touches. He dies a little every time it happens.

    The only way to get it out of his system is writing on his journal, so he does more often than not. Just to release a bit of Zayn on the paper and out of his mind, and even if he fails on the attempt, it’s just better than nothing.

+

_Harry’s Journal:_

_“_ _In dreams, I meet you in warm conversation_

_We both wake in lonely beds, different cities_

_And time is taking it's sweet time erasing you”_

_Time for me is divided for me between wishing I never met you, like me wanting really to just erase from my mind as Joel did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – remember when we watched that? It was fucking brilliant. In the end I was sobbing in your lap and I made you promise to never forget me. And you… you said that in your entire life, the only thing you wanted to keep in your memory was me. Just me. Out of all the things you have ever seen, you just wanted to keep me._

_I wish you hadn’t said that. I really do. And that time when I tripped on my feet and fell on the ground, bruising my hands and you picked me up and kissed the wounds in the kindest manner, why did you do that? I can’t forget it. These memories, they keep me awake, waiting for the sun to come out because night has become haunted for me._

_I want to erase you so badly. Your eyes, your smile, the way you smelled so fresh and homey after we took baths together. I wish I could forget the marks on your skin or how you laugh the hardest while watching Iron Man. There’s just so much I know about you, it feels like I’ll never know anything else. It makes suffocate in bed while I try not to think about everything we did together. It makes me hate everything about us._

_The other half of time I spend wishing for you. Desperately. I desire your every flaw, just so I could have all the good back. I think it even stopped being a desire and became a crave, a need. You are all I think about and it makes me so sad. Because you don't want anymore and I need to let you go. How can I do that? You are carved into my mind. I can’t run from you, because it means running from myself._

_You know, sometimes I talk to myself imagining I’m talking to you. Then I run for my phone and spend minute after minute staring at it, deciding if should call you or not.  I always decide against it. I’m hurt enough already, don’t need you hanging up on me._

_I had to erase your messages you know? I was keeping them, the texts you would randomly send me with quotations of love poems. I cried for maybe two hours after that. You know how something hurts so much it punches you on the gut and then you can’t breath, so you just start to gasp loudly while tears stain your face? It’s the worst._

_When I see beautiful things, I’m happy. There’s a lot of beautiful things here in Buenos Aires and I love every single them. And while that gives me joy, it also scares me to death. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen broke me completely, so how could I not be afraid?_

_There are moments when I remember you and it doesn’t hurt. It only happens when I’m dreaming. You would be surprised at how perfectly I can picture our memories in my head. Remember the night we naked dived in Australia? And you were so scared? Of the ocean, the press, so many things you kept rumbling about. And then I put your face between my hands, looked at you for so long I think that’s the moment I’ve memorized all your features, when I said: Do you trust me?_

_You nodded furiously, took my hand and jumped. I was surprised, the cold water hitting me while your hands grabbed me tightly even though you were wearing floaties._

_I asked “What was that?”_

_And you replied “I trust you. I would dive off a cliff with you. You make me fearless, Harry. And that’s all I ever wanted to be.”_

_I don’t think I ever loved you more than in that moment. Of course I was proved wrong later. You just kept surprising me and making me love you and love you and just love you out of proportions._

_Why did you do that?_

_You know what? Even though I question everything we’ve been through, in some level, I feel very blessed. Our love was holy ground and I can’t really bring myself to regret, not when I think about it long enough. That’s why I don’t do it anymore; think about it for long… It makes sad, happy, crazy and thirsty for more. And it’s not fair to me. Because I didn’t do anything wrong! I loved you more than anyone ever could Zayn and you pushed me away. You decided that whatever we had wasn’t good enough for you! How the fuck am I supposed to cope with that? How? I know that nothing I have will ever be as good as what we shared. It makes me hopeless. You didn’t have the right to break my heart. I shouldn’t have let you. But it doesn’t matter anymore._

_I am gonna go now. Life waits for me. Even if it’s life without you._

_“_ _I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here_  
 _Cause I remember it all, all, all  
Too well”_


End file.
